Blocked
The Friction of Beginning: Starting is the hardest part, often blocked by finding the right title, feeling unprepared, or fearing there is nothing new to say. The desire to write a book has endured since college, but inertia keeps it at bay.
Confronting the Past: Early self-discovery brought awareness of personal flaws and the ways past actions hurt others. This brings up doubts about having the "right" to write about severe experiences, making self-forgiveness and ongoing growth essential.
Guilt, Shame, and Stillness: Guilt and shame must be lived through rather than used as tools for self-punishment. True progress requires staying present with uncomfortable emotions rather than reacting impulsively or causing further harm.
Working Titles (Still Anxiety or Anxiety Still): Personal evolution is complex; despite deep internal work, core traits remain. Facing anxiety directly changes its nature, whereas hyper-focusing on triggers or others' perceptions only causes it to compound.
Learning Disabilities and Word Recall: Childhood learning challenges evolved into ADHD-like traits and word-finding difficulties (anomia). This hesitation creates interpersonal friction, but it can also foster creative and artistic depth.
Aging, Isolation, and Avoidance: As word recall grows harder with age, social hesitation breeds anxiety and avoidant habits. While solitude offers peaceful relief, the desire for human connection remains strong.
Stillness and "Anxiety in the Machine": Drawing from Robert Pirsig, trying to force through internal anxiety only bakes it directly into the work. True stillness comes from experiencing the anxiety fully without resistance, allowing focus, efficiency, and real peace to return.
Writing with too strong of a superego is grueling and finding the “right” title seems impossible. The entire process results in dead silence. The actual outcome that may be the best for all of us. Let it go! Feel present. It doesn’t matter. However many of us have something to say that may result in returning to the silence or presentness of the moment. I know my attempts at silencing the voice are not good for me.
I’ve wanted to write since college. My first idea for a book was called Uprooting Realty. A wonderful title for the same experience I seem to always have, which is to constantly question everything to the point of never having a thought left to right about. The superego seems to destroy the medium of writing. I thought I had something to say and I did. I started learning about myself at a very young age. I hurt and was hurt by many people before something in me woke up and realized we are all very similar. This idea grew with me along with the empathy espoused with it. I was 17 when I was sent to rehab more for emotional immaturity than for addiction. It helped. The groups, the people, the patients helped. I miss Tommy. He is probably dead now. I finished high school in a ¾ way house. Close to being free but not. I needed the counseling. I needed others to process the complicated emotions this world lives with us. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to love, I wanted everyone to love. So painful to realize we all have hate in us. Some of us hurt others to the point of killing them without giving much thought about the need to show more love than hate, more for us than others. We cannot be monsters in the world and experience the beauty this universe holds.
Some of the ways I was makes it to where I don’t think I can write. Those really horrible things that I did happened and you think I don’t really have a right to say those things. It is important to forgive ourselves, it is important to remember who we were too, it is important to continue working on ourselves. There has to be a way to do it to where you don’t feel so much shame but maybe the right amount. I’ve read a lot about shame and guilt in the differences and I would like to say there’s a place for all of those feelings and they don’t need to be escaped when you have them, but they need to be lived through, not used to make yourself feel even worse which I sometimes do and what she probably do too. I have to constantly work on stillness hon, staying with the emotion and feeling it through without reacting in a way that will harm me and others. Continues to happen all the time. I have to work on that.
Made me think of the blog title, still anxiety or anxiety still is that I have done so much work on myself as a human being and in some ways, haven’t done anything at all. It just it’s a very complicated thing to change as a human being because there’s always a part of you left isn’t there and there’s always something That’s good and there’s always something that’s bad. You can’t escape yourself. You can’t escape that you have this anxiety or these feelings you wanna run away from at times, but when you face them the anxiety changes, it’s there but it changes and if you talk about anxiety to anyone who even experiences generalized anxiety disorder they have Anxiety and many situations, but they also have calmness in many situations, but it’s the anxiety that gets them the most, and the things that cause anxiety are so different from for everyone. And anxiety gets worse when you’ve had it before and then you attribute it to certain events and things and then you also believe other people think that you’re anxious and it just all piles up on itself to where you even want more bigger ball of anxiety. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with learning disorders and I didn’t really know how to handle my education, asked that I didn’t know either. I didn’t care about it, and I focused on many other things and that those were times where I felt inferior to others and bullied to others and hurt others. There is also good to me then but more badness too. I’d say some of that badness is gone now. There are days where I feel meaner or angrier or unhappy that contribute to those matter days still today, but
But that learning disability kept changing when I was younger, I didn’t understand it and still probably don’t and to this day I would say that the way it comes out is through some ADHD behaviors and through difficulties finding the right word to place at the right time
Which seems more like a spectrum thing if you can’t find the right word at the right time, you’re hesitating in your relationships with others and that hesitation creates difficulties as well for each person it is through fluidity that life flows forth. When there’s a stutter or a hesitancy, something else is created. Sometimes what’s created is something different and something creative and maybe that’s why there are many people with artistic leanings who have some interpersonal difficulties.
We all hesitate and stutter, but some have worse than others, and as we age difficulties were calling words occurs as well. It’s been something my whole life that I’ve had and does seem to get worse as a age.
The hesitant sees creating anxiety and the hesitant sees creative avoidance. You could just say I’m introverted and I do seem to get along better on my own at times. I do miss other people too. I think that’s another reason. Why being around just one person is easier is that The recall his easier anxiety must get in the way of the recall as well and I’ll just kind of blows out on itself.
On my own, it’s easier to be at peace with all of this and fill a lot of the illness. Still not illness. So many things get under our skin and hard to change.
Sometimes I like getting sick just for the stillness of it. My brain changes and slows down ways and I’m appreciative of at times. My brain works overtime. Also doesn’t work efficiently efficiency is something with stillness as well. The ability to fill at peace and you can fill up peace when you’re anxious as well or when you’re feeling anxious if you really feel it and don’t try to escape from it and continue to focus on what’s needed to be done it changes and things improve and you do not put so-called anxiety in the machine. I’ve been focused on this anxiety in the machine, cause I’m thinking about Robert Persig lately.
